Will I Be Okay

 Assalamualaikum & selamat sejahtera

Mak, I started writing this entry on the 20th of March 2022 and in another ten days, it would be your 59th birthday this year. 

I am not sure how long does it takes for a person to reach the end of their grieving phase but I am pretty sure it'll take a loooooong loooong time for me to reach there. Because right now I am still walking around in a circle, surrounded by a maze. Will I be okay?

Mak, I want to tell you everything like I used to...Can I? Can I write it here as if I am saying this to you? Will people be calling me insane? 

Dr Khalil kata "Mak dah selamat dan selesai tugasannya di dunia dalam keredhaan di akhirnya." Maksudnya adik patut doakan yang terbaik untuk mak dan tak patut rasa menyesal bila teringat kat mak. Mak dah akhiri hayat mak dengan baik sekali, jadi kenapa adik masih perlu rasa menyesal kan. Tapikan mak, kadang-kadang bila teringat balik perjalanan hidup mak masa akhir-akhir hayat mak buat adik terkilan. Adik dah redha dengan pemergian mak cuma kadang-kadang bila teringat tu, penyesalan tu masih ada. Will I be okay?

Mak, adik tak yakin dengan diri adik. I have low self-esteem. I'm not confident and always questioning myself. 

Dulu masa adik belum dapat kerja kat NZ, adik terfikir nak jual roti jala dengan kari ayam. Mak suruh buat je tak perlu fikir banyak sebab mak tahu yang kalau adik fikir banyak sangat adik takkan buat. I think too much, even until now. Benda yang belum jadi lagi pun adik dah list out possibilities dia. Will I be okay?

Mak, kadang adik terfikir kenapa perlu bersungguh dalam sesuatu benda sedangkan nanti akhirnya mati juga. I think this mindset here is what has been holding me back for the past few years. 

Sometimes when there's a glitch in my life, I will always come back to "kenapa perlu bersungguh sedangkan nanti mati juga." This world is not permanent. Aqilah pernah cakap, "habistu kalau 20 tahun hidup, macam ni je ke aku nak habiskan hidup aku? Ini je aku buat? What else can I do to live my life to the fullest?" I understand what she was trying to tell me but after I lose you mak, nothing else matters anymore. Orang selalu tanya, adik taknak cari kerja lain ke? Tak ada plan nak tukar kerja ke? Lepastu ada yang cakap adik dah bazir/buang masa setahun setengah gitu je tak belajar apa kerja kat company ni. People always expect more from me. Will I be okay?

Mak, I am doing well. I feel happy but I do feel sad sometimes, like right now. I cried several times while writing this post. 

The trauma caused by losing you make me feel like I don't need anybody else but myself (I'm fine now). I still remember I said to people around me that I don't need anyone, I can live by myself. I still remember feeling so numb that I questioned myself on why should I get married. I still remember when we were driving somewhere in your car, you told me your wishes and wills in hoping I will fulfill it when you're no longer here. I still remember you told me about that one incident when you were at home and you were feeling hopeless because you couldn't do anything to help yourself. I still remember you said "Tak apa dik, tak payah balik. Habiskan belajar kamu kat sana." but you couldn't look at me. It breaks my heart each time I think about it. Will I be okay?

Mak, I resumed my writing on the 21st of March 2022 and in another nine days, it would be your 59th birthday this year.

I reread everything that I've written so far and it sounds depressing, no? I've changed and added a few things on yesterday's disclosure to make it less tormenting or more... I find it easier to write whenever I am being emotional because I put my emotion first before anything else, but then when I came to my senses I realised that it's not a good idea. Anyways, I've written this far and I'm not gonna redo everything. Maybe this is one of the ways for me to let go of my sorrow and find my way out of the maze that I've created myself. Will I be okay?

Mak, I miss you. I miss you so so much. 

Maksu Siti kata kena selalu doakan mak, buat amal & niat pahala untuk hadiah kat mak. Maksu kata baca al-Quran paling senang & bayangkan setiap satu huruf tu sampai kat mak. Maksu kata kalau tak ada amalan anak-anak untuk mak, diibaratkan mak terkuis-kuis daun-daun kering mencari kot-kot ada pahala untuk mak. Kesian mak. Adik ada mimpi mak, banyak kali. Ada satu mimpi tu adik mimpi adik dapat cium dahi mak buat kali terakhir. Tak dapat cium depan-depan, dapat dalam mimpi pun jadilah kan? Adik pun tak tahu pengakhiran adik nanti macam mana. Kalau masuk syurga, dapatlah jumpa mak lagi. Will I be okay?

Mak, today's date is the 27th of March 2022 and in another three days, it would be your 59th birthday this year. 

Last night I remembered what I'd been dying to tell you but right now I couldn't recall at all, not even a tiny bit. Anyway, two weeks before I baked a carrot cake. It tastes so so good Mak. It was the fluffiest carrot cake that I have ever baked. I combined Che Nom's banana cake recipe with our carrot cake recipe which turns out to be perfect. Now I know how to balance the taste and texture of the cake and might as well make it again today. This reminds me of the first carrot cake that you ever baked for us at home when I was still in primary school. I remember telling you that your puding roti was the best but Mak, your carrot cake was the bomb! Adik terfikir...did I appreciate you enough when you were still here? Did I thank you enough when you were still here? Will I be okay?

Mak, I baked the carrot cake again just now. This time I added some cream cheese on top. I can say I like it better without. I love the original taste just like how I love the original banana cake.

Sekarang kan adik kerap baking. Adik rasa setiap minggu adik nak kena masak sesuatu sebab adik perasan benda tu boleh bagi adik rasa tenang? Stress-relieved orang kata eh. Mungkin juga sebab seronok kot dapat cuba benda baru & adik tahu makanan yang adik buat tu sedap. Not me trying to compliment myself, but I will make sure everything taste good no matter what. Kalau tak jadi lagi macam yang adik nak then next time adik akan buat lagi sampai jadi. If and only if the enthusiasm applies to every aspect of my life...Will I be okay? 

Mak, I don't know how long this entry is going to be? One thing for sure is it feels nice to be able to write this much as if I'm talking to you. The difference is just, you don't get a say...

Dah nak masuk empat tahun adik kat NZ. Adik dah graduate dua tahun lepas. Sekarang adik dah bekerja. Masa adik balik Malaysia cuti summer tahun 2019/2020 tu kita pergi cari & tempah baju untuk adik convo. Kita beli kain songket sebab adik nak pakai songket masa grad nanti. Kebetulan Mak ada berkenan dengan satu kain songket ni & Mak beli untuk Mak. Tapi Mak taknak tempah sekali dengan adik. Masa kat rumah Mak simpan kain songket tu, Mak kata "Mak boleh pakai untuk kamu convo nanti kat sana. Kalau tak sempat, kamu ambillah kain ni tempah buat baju apa apa. Nikah ke...apa-apalah." Kain songket tu elok je lagi berlipat dalam almari Mak kat rumah. "Dik, Mak nak pergi New Zealand lagi. Tapi kalau Mak tak dapat datang masa kamu convo nanti, yelah mana tahu Mak tak sihat ke macam mana, Mak akan make sure ayah datang." Will I be okay?

Mak, how can people be so sure when we are not even sure with ourselves? Btw adik dah ingat apa yang adik nak bagitahu Mak.

Kadang-kadang adik cuba untuk mencari kasih seorang ibu daripada ibu-ibu orang lain. I texted Aunty Madi, I texted Kak Mai, I texted Mak Jah, I tried to connect with anyone's mothers that I feel comfortable with and hoping I will get the same feeling as when I'm with you. But it's not the same. It will never be the same. Adik tak patut mengharapkan ibu orang lain macam Mak. They are not you. I guess this emptiness will forever be here. I miss having you around. I miss having a mother. Will I be okay? 

Mak, I guess we have reached the end of this entry. I can only hope that I will not be pouring out any more emotional writings because I am not that unhappy. I am happy. Maybe it was because I chose to start writing this entry when I was about to have my period last week. I came across a post from Maisarah Mahmud saying something like this "Cari Tuhan dulu sebelum cari orang lain." Adik baru cuba untuk buat macam tu. Susah. Susah sebab selalunya bila ada apa-apa adik akan cari orang dulu untuk bercerita. Tapi kadang-kadang bila adik cuba buat macam tu, it feels different. Will I be okay? 

Mak, I don't have to ask if you are going to be okay because I know that you will. 

Wassalamualaikum.

Suci dari hati, Syasya Amirah Binti Mohd Zaki