In vague and in vain Part 2

 Assalamualaikum & selamat sejahtera

I've been struggling to come out with a new title for this entry, but I couldn't. I guess I'm still living in the same phase and dealing with the same pain which I'm not sure if it's gonna come to an end. Well, that explains why I have the same title with an additional of "Part 2." I hope there's not gonna be "Part 3" or "Part 4" because girl wants to escape from this pain but girl knows she can't. I am THAT girl. At least I'm healing. I think so? 

I'm not sure if I want to tell the whole world about what happened and the reasons why I'm feeling miserable since the past 7 months. I honestly do have the happy and cheerful moments during the same period of time and I am not faking it. I laughed a lot and I cried a lot as well. Fair share huh? 

Kak Ngah Maisarah told me to open up about my feelings by writing. She said it helps. It does help her to feel better so why don't I try to do the same? She said that to me. As you all know, I do blogs and I've done heaps of writing, but I stopped after that one-painful-episode of my life happened. I stopped doing everything that I used to do.

"Syasya, Syasya mak dah tak ada."

6 September 2020. I remember that exact moment in my head clearly. I was sitting on my bed in 193 Ilam Road house, wearing my pajamas and obviously haven't showered. I just ended my video call with Na around 11am MYT (4pm NZT). I wanted to see my mom since the night before but I didn't get the chance to do that because I'm afraid I will disturbed her as she needs to rest, so I called Na the next morning. Still, I didn't the chance to look at Mak's face because my relatives were there visiting her. It's okay, I understand. 

Around 12pm MYT (5pm NZT), Fatin entered my room and we casually talked. Then suddenly Akak video called me and said, 

"Syasya, Syasya mak dah tak ada. Mak dah meninggal dunia, dik." 

I gasped. Tried to gain my composure. Fatin sat in front of me and put her hand on my shoulder, caressed me, trying to calm me down. With shaky voice I asked, 

"Bila? Pukul berapa?." 

Then she said, 

"Baru je. Baru sekejap tadi pukul 12 suku macam tu (12.15pm MYT/5.15pm NZT)."

I wanted to look at Mak's face but Akak had to settle the funeral matters so she said she will calls me back. The video call ended, I dropped my phone and I hugged Fatin. I bawled my eyes out.

After a while, I told Fatin I need to inform Aqilah and my boyfriend. Aqilah was at work at that time so I called her and gave her the news. Then I called my boyfriend and told him to deliver the news to his families as well. Aqilah came home, she tried to ask me a few things and I just couldn't say anything then she hugged me. I bawled my eyes out for the second time. Both Aqilah and Fatin sure did say something while hugging me but I'm not sure the exact thing they said. I'm just gonna write it down the probability of the things that they said (akak kuat/akak sabar okay/mak dah kat tempat yang lagi baik/mak dah tak sakit dah). One thing for sure, they both cried. My boyfriend said, "You kena kuat tau." Of all the things that he said at that time, that's the only thing that I remembered. Hina Khan, one of my housemates at that time came into my room and hugged me. She kissed my forehead and she said I am a strong girl. 

I get to see my mom's face when Abamal and Maklang was putting a cloth around Mak's head. I get to see my mom's face for the last time after she's been bathed and shrouded. 

"Adik nak tengok mak. Akak tolong ciumkan mak untuk adik." 

That's what I told Abamal and Akak. Mak's funeral was done smoothly after Asar around 5.30pm MYT (10.30pm NZT). 

Whatever causes her death, Mak passed away because of "Qada and Qadar." It's time. And He chose her to go while wearing my favourite caftan 💜

Wassalamualaikum

Suci dari hati, Syasya Amirah Binti Mohd Zaki