In vague and in vain

Assalamualaikum & selamat sejahtera


Honestly, I don't know where to start. 

I was eating a bowl of yogurt with granola and fresh strawberries just now and my initial plan was to write something on this blog while eating it, but I couldn't. I ended up finished the whole thing without anything written on this white-blank screen. 

Right after I typed those things, I caught myself starred blankly at the screen for a few solid minutes. I honestly don't know where to start?

Obviously, I break the rules that I created for myself: Failed to write a new post(s) at the end of each month. At first I was planning to write a new entry after I finished my exams or after I get my examination results or after I get a job, but things started to be like a roller coaster ride for me mentally and emotionally which I felt completely drained. Luckily I managed to paste a happy face whenever I'm with my friends. I am genuinely happy when they are around, though. 

The only thing that keeps me going at that time was I'm in the final semester of my bachelor's degree and I need to get an at least a decent results/pointer/band for myself. I can't screw this up. I don't want to sit for the same lectures again and I don't want to mess with my guarantors. I should be grateful enough that they agreed me as their guarantee. As you can see I didn't mention anything about making my parents proud because I don't have to, they are proud anyways. Even I have achieved nothing. 

Doing things for the sake of others is tiring. Do it for yourself, for your own pleasure. I did this degree because I want to do it, not because of my parents. Ayah suggest me to get a masters, but I am not going for it because I don't want it. "At the end of the day, the one who will go through the hell and fire of getting an upper level of education is you, not your parents." - This advice was given by my mom, so. 

Still, I don't know where to start. I am not sure if I want to write every thing that happened in every month or I'm just gonna sums up everything in one entry. I am not sure where this entry goes? My life is still in vague. I couldn't make up my mind. The only thing that urge me to write this post is because 2020 is going to end in four days. I want the pain and tears that I felt and poured in 2020 stays in 2020, but for an obvious reason...it seems impossible. 

Should my next entry starts with happiness or sadness?

My choice. 


Wassalamualaikum.

Suci dari hati, Syasya Amirah Binti Mohd Zaki



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